Worth it?

I'm really starting to dislike love. It's supposed to be a great feeling, and sure a fraction of the time, it can create happiness that surpasses anything else. But that fraction is by my count, not worth the anguish, jealousy, sorrow and countless other uncomfortable feelings that comes with love. I was earlier a big fan of love, but that has gradually descended into dislike, as I have gotten more and more experience with the feeling, and concluded that the little good that can come of it, isn't worth the bad that comes with it. To say that to have loved and lost, is better than never to have loved at all, is not something I agree with. Sure, you've never experienced the feeling, and what good comes of it. But you've also never had to feel the pain after you've lost it. So is it worth it? Is love as grand as it has been made out to be? or is it something we're all better off without?

Still Counting

Counting all the assholes in the room. Well I'm definitely not alone. Or am I?
In the aspect of knowing who one self is, one bases that description on not only what one self thinks, but also on what other thinks of you. But indeed how does one know what others think? In my experience it is not certain that what I say is automatically the same as what I'm thinking. So you have rely on the fact that what people tell you is the truth, and nothing but the truth.

But can people really be trusted with this? As it is proven that people are notorious liars, can you rely on the fact that all they say is necessarily the truth? I have a hard time relying on this as a fact. But in truth, I have a hard time trusting people. Not everyone deserves to be trusted. But those that do, I have a hard time trusting too. So on my quest to become a better man, I wish that I will eventually be able to put more trust in people, and less in myself.

For if I trust no one but myself. Then I am undoubtedly a lonely person, and that would be no one's fault but my own.

The Dark Con Of Man

So dark, the con of man.
We hope that men are honorable.
We put our trust in good men.
Betrayal stings so far deeper,
when it comes from those perceived
as good men.

So dark, the con of man.
Those admitting to being imperfect.
Those admitting to being flawed.
Those admitting to not being the good men
they are perceived to be. Those men are the good men.
For as most will try to show their goodness. All will fail,
at some point or another. Those who do not accept this, and move on.
Those who will not relinquish their place as a good man.
Those are the men you must beware of.
So dark, the con of man.

Be positive, be negative
Be realistic, be optimistic
Live your life with a purpose
Dream for the future, but never act on that dream.
Hope for something better, but never pursue it.
Live with what you have, don't try to change things.
Society is as good as it can be, don't try to change it.
Survival is all that's needed. But happiness is all we want.

Definition

How do you define what is and what isn't?
How do you describe what you can't see?
What words do you use to define that which no words can explain?
Faith or dreams? Reality or fantasy?
Do you understand that which others do not?
Can you define what others can not?

The unknown frightens all. Still some turn their fear into faith.
Is faith something you can count on? or is it simply something you just have to believe in?
Believe in yourself, and trust in others. But limit your trust to those who can be trusted.
To understand what can't be understood is something we all long for. If we succeed the future will show. Will the unknown then be known, and faith no longer needed? Maybe the unknown is better than enlightenment? for what we don't know, can not discourage us.

Staring at the rain

Staring at the rain, going nowhere
wishing for something or someone
feeling hopeless and cold
So very old
The rain pours down
without a sound
hearing nothing
feeling everything
Dreaming of how life should be
Not how it could be

Destiny or not?

Lately I've been wondering why things turn out the way they do. Is it fate, or is it all coincidences? Do we decide how our lives turn out, or has it all been decided for us?

In a way I would find comfort in the fact that the outcome in my life is predestined, but what is the point of living your life, if it's allready been decided how everything will turn out?

I prefer the excitement of life. Never knowing what will happen next.

Freedom

With the unknown aspect of life.
We all do our best to not try to understand.
For with trying to understand the brink of insanity comes close.
Though I welcome insanity, for normality is boring.
Society looks down upon those that does not act by the rules that are set by them.
It gives a new perspective on freedom. For all our lives are decided before us.
Free will is a fact. But society is a power greater than free will.
Few can withstand it. Most give in. And I imagine that so will I.
Though I still hope that I will be able to break free some day.
From the hold of society, and the oppression of humanity.
I doubt humanity will survive this insanity.

Humanity

For me, the cruelty of humanity is hard to understand. There are people in this world that commit acts of extraordinary evil. But those people aside, we all commit small acts of evil, towards other people. Though I doubt that there's many other species that commit evil acts towards their own kind, just for pleasure. It's makes one think that humanity may very well be the worst thing that ever happened to this planet. For not only do we tear ourselves down, we take the rest of the world with us, down the drain.

I must admit that I am disappointed in humanity. For I see new types of cruelty everyday. From people I think of as friends, towards other people I also think of as friends. Which puts me in a difficult dilemma. What do I do? Which friends do I support? Well even though I'm not so full of myself that I pretend that I've never done anything wrong. Quite the opposite, if I know what I've done wrong, I will admit it, and apologize for it. But even though I have done some things wrong, I do not condone that type of behavior. I easily forgive things, and it doesn't take much for me to forgive a friend, if they've done something to me. But I don't forgive things as easily if they've done something to another friend of mine.

Though it has through history been proven, that though some people seem kind and friendly, all possess some measure of evil in them. Though I doubt this is the work of the devil or some other sort of religion related creature, I just believe it's the part of the human species. Still I don't like it.

So I am close to giving up on humanity, for the acts of evil, easily outshine the acts of good that we do. Still, there may be some hope for people. Though we might be screwed if there comes a meteorite and crushes our skulls :p

Da var det meste av en ny dag kastet bort til for det meste unødvendig tenking. Selv om den tenkingen var nødvendig med tanke på hvilken situasjon jeg kom i idag, og hvilken situasjon jeg er i nå. Sivilstatusen har endret seg(igjen), og dette er av grunner jeg er ganske misfornøyd med, men som det dessverre er lite å gjøre med. Jeg føler meg en anelse skuffet over at ting har endt opp sånn som de har gjort, men det er vel som sagt ingenting å gjøre med det. Jeg sitter nå og vurderer om jeg skulle fortsatt å skrive på det særemnet som jeg sliter så veldig med å få ferdig, men jeg har kommet fram til at det ikke vil komme noe fornuftig ut av det, fordi jeg ikke på noen måte vil klare å konsentrere meg og få skrevet noe bra. Er lenge siden jeg har skrevet i bloggen nå, og jeg fant ut at det kanskje var en grei måte å få brukt opp litt tid av dagen. Ellers så har nå vinterferien gått forbi, og jeg har kost meg iløpet av den. Marita var her i 5 dager, og vi hadde det veldig koselig. Var synd at det av visse grunner ikke holdt seg. Mo I Rana og Andenes er nå uansett ikke akkurat to plasser som er nære hverandre. Jeg skriver for tiden(eller prøver i hvert fall) særemne om forandringen i personligheten til Frodo Lommelun i Ringenes Herre. Er en ganske interessant oppgave, der jeg får brukt litt av hodet mitt til hobbypsykologi. Noe som ikke er å anbefale, men når det gjelder en fiksjonell karakter i en bok så burde det vel gå sånn høvelig greit. Resten av dagen har jeg absolutt ingen planer. Føler for en røyk akkurat nå, og en tur til butikken for å kjøpe iskrem. Ikke et sunt alternativ, men jeg syns det hadde vært godt akkurat now. Until later.

Defining what is

Look at me, I look at you. What does it meen? Does anyone understand what it meens? A glance or a word. We take our chances, we live our lives. What makes it worth it? Only time will tell. We try to be ourselves, though still in our hearts most of us wants to be another place. Another person, another life. Anyone but who you are. Anything to erease your scars. Still no one escapes it. The life we've been dealt will always be the one we must live. We can change our appearances and the way we act. But in our hearts, the truth will lie.

Knowing what we really are. Knowing who we should really be. Though people can say that what we say and do is what defines us. I beg to differ. What we feel, and how we act upon those feelings. That is the thing that defines us. As humans we can't always control what we say or do. Mistakes is bound to happen, even if we try our hardest to be as perfect as we can. Nothing is perfect, but nothing is purely miserable either. To see the good in things, or people for that matter. Will always be harder than to see the bad in them. It all depends on what you feel like doing. And how you choose to act upon those feelings.

The right choice will rarely be clear, but there will always be one. The problem is just that sometimes the right one is harder to choose, because you've allready made a choice that doesn't make the right one an easy one to make. I try to build my choices on the simple rule of them not hurting anyone. I haven't gotten much luck with that yet. Still I do my best to act on my feelings, and use them as a guideline to find out what I should do. Without them I would truly be lost. If empathy, or even love for others is lost. Then we have no right to call ourselves human anymore. That is what makes us different. That is what makes us people.

Black and white

With the untrue thoughts of an unsympathizing man.
We all cling to the thought of things that may be true.
But still we find, that in the end, the lies unravel.
The prejudices show, while the darkest rivers flow.
The thoughts of man, darker then the darkest black.
The thoughts of man, brighter then the brightest light.
Still, everything is gray. No black and white.
People vary, as their thoughts.
Tell me now, why do we talk?

oppkjøring

strøk på oppkjøringen på nytt. Selvfølgelig så var det jo bare min feil denne gangen. Var jo faktisk veldig bra føre idag, men jeg var jo så nervøs at jeg visste ikke hvor jeg skulle gjøre av meg, så når jeg da 2 minutter inn i oppkjøringen ikke fikk med meg at det var et keiko på to føtter som ville over gangfeltet før det var for sent å stoppe så gikk jo alt til helvete. Så nå er det 4 uker før ny oppkjøring. Bedre lykke neste gang? Vi får se. 2200 kr per gang. Er koselig å ikke ha penger til tider. Eller kanskje ikke? Jaja, alt ordner seg vel til slutt, er det ikke det alle sier?

Don't worry, about a thing. 'Cause every little thing's, gonna be alright. Som Bob Marley sa

Kjøring

var på sortland idag og kjørte. Sto opp halv 6 og var virkelig trøtt. Så var bussen forsinket, og i kulda + trøttheten så ble jeg ganske fort lei. halv 7 var bussen endelig på veien og jeg kom meg avgårde. Kjøretimene gikk crappy, noe som egentlig var forventet siden jeg ikke har kjørt på 6 uker. Men jeg møtte Hassira og Ingvild på Sortland, og det var veldig koselig å se dem igjen :) Fikk bare tid til å gi Kristine en klem før jeg måtte løpe til bussen, men jeg satser på å få se henne igjen på mandag ^^ Nå ligger jeg bare på sofaen og slapper av. Er deilig, men jeg har så mye lekser jeg egentlig må gjøre at jeg får litt dårlig samvittighet her jeg ligger og sløver. Vi får se om jeg får gjort noe etterhvert. Det var alt for denne gang. Over and out

A problem, but no solution.

I have without any doubt speculated a great deal about what i'm supposed to do right now. I'm for the time being sitting at school, where i'm supposed to be doing some tasks. Still I can't seem to concentrate even a little. It's as if there's a mist inside my head which clouds my brain, and makes it impossible to do anything useful. These are some of the first signs. It's interesting that I now have been so used to this, so I can identify those signs without problems anymore. Though I can't seem to find a solution to these issues. Though there might be no solution. It might simply just be to live, and have faith that life will get better, if it's bad. It will at least always change.

Heaven and Hell. Thoughts of a Maniac

So as I sit here trying to keep up hope. To keep life in the pursuit of happiness. But still it's hard to contemplate exactly how that is going to happen. I try to reason with myself, but in all the logic explanations that's swirling through my head, I can't seem to find any that will support the idea of a happy ending. So we all live for the small moments of happiness, inside the big moments of anger,despair,hatred and all the other feelings we have. But still it seems that some people have more of some feelings then they have of other feelings. And maybe I just got unlucky in the pick of mine. Still it's hard to believe that things are that simple. Some say that you make your own happiness. That you control your own destiny. I've tried that for a while and found out that you can put on that mask of joy, and act like everything's fine for a while. But sooner or later, things start crumbling around you, and then all those oppressed feelings come, whether you want them to or not.

I find that I will probable never know true happiness. I have an idea of what would make me happy. But as human nature tends to be, we all want more then we have. No matter how great what we have actually is. Still I can rationalize and see all the good things I have, and that I should be grateful for them and be happy. But still, I can't help but focus on the things I don't have. And many of those things are exactly the things that I believe I need to be happy.

I can't help but feel that I've started to shut myself out from everyone else...again. I've locked my feelings in, and tossed away the key, so no one but me can see how I really am doing. It's a choice, and without a doubt the wrong choice, but still, I can't help doing it. I'm torn in two, because in some ways I want the people I care about to know how I'm doing, but at the same time I don't want them to know. I want them to think that everything is alright, and that there's nothing wrong. I've gotten pretty used to not showing my real feelings to anyone, and in some ways that's good. Most of the time I look like i'm in a good mood, and that I actually am feeling quite happy. when the reality is that inside, I feel like i'm slowly tearing myself apart.

I know some will probably read this and come with the usual phrase that's become so common among people these days. "whine, whine, whine. would you like some cheese with that whine?". There's no room for people to share their feelings these days. And least of all guys. Which is exactly why I never show them. I write them. I just thought that for once I would actually publish them, and see how people really would react to it. 'Cause in truth i'm fed up with people whining about whining. If you don't have something better then that to do, I would recommend you put your hand up your ass and feel around for a consience or at least some respect for other peoples feelings. Maybe then I would actually be able to respect you, in stead of just shaking my head the next time I see you while laughing, and then just walk away. It just really proves that you are insecure about your own feelings, and to scared to talk about them to anyone else, because you're scared about what they'll think of you afterwards. Which in some ways makes you a little like me.

I've occupied whoever's reading this far to long now. So instead of going on forever, which if you've actually read this far, might think I might do, then I'm now going to relieve you by saying that hell is where you heart is. At least if it's broken.

Hope

With the probable consequence of being less then smart. I embark on this attempt to enterpret what my mind is deciphering right now. I have spent this weekend sleeping, drinking and watching Angel. Although this sounds like a pointless weekend, the thing I spent most time doing, was sleeping. The drinking part was reduced to friday, and I must confess that I do not feel like doing it again for some time.
Although I've been preoccupied most of the weekend, I've also had some time to think about things. Which is something I always do, no matter how little time I actually have to do it.
I spent my time thinking about what i'm supposed to do next in my life. How I'm going to overcome the troubles that I now face, and the troubles that I will face in the future. And I realized that to that, I have no answer. I simply rely on everything to fall into place by itself. And when I think about that, I also realize that I often do exactly that. When I encouter problems I don't panic, I just sit back and wait for everything to play itself out, and turn out okay. And until now, it has actually done exactly that. Even when things seemed darkest, and most hopeless, it always seemed to end okay. And that is to me a real comfort. And it should be so to everyone else also. But eventhough I've been so lucky until now, no other person can rely on that kind of luck through their lives. You have to work for things to make them better, and you have to take chances in order to feel better. I've always trusted in myself enough to just jump into certain things and have the faith that it will turn out okay. And it always has. So I'm not giving up my hope just yet, and neither should any of you. The loss of hope, is like the loss of life. Because when you have no hope for something better, your life has in fact ended. Because things will always change, and if you wish for nothing to be better, then things will only get worse. So keep that in mind and when you reach your goals, make new ones. So you always have something to do, and some place to go. And life will award you for it. Just keep your hope in your heart. And you can survive anything.

Time

We watch the time pass by in seconds. Days, weeks, months, years. You might say time goes fast when you're having fun. But I say time goes fast no matter what you do. The thing is that you don't always want what happens to happen. Still time consumes us all. It controls us, no matter how much we struggle. For some day time will catch up to each and every one of us.
There's a popular saying: "You only live once". Though there are many religious believes that suggest that there is an afterlife, or that you will be reborn after death. The scientists believe that there is nothing after death. You just go from one solid state of energy to another. I can't say just what I belive. Because for the time being i'm keeping my mind open. But still the certain thing is that we will all die. None of us can control the affect time has on us. No matter how hard many may try. The only thing we can do, is what we want to do. Whatever we can do. To keep ourselves happy and live the best life we can.

The pursuit of happiness.

Skolen

Jeg sitter her nå på skolen og ser på en finurlig film som kvinnfolkene i klassen valgte. Jeg syns uten tvil av og til synd på læreren vår. Det er ikke lett å stå imot 14 whinende elever som absolutt vil se film og ikke gjøre noe hensiktsmessig med tiden sin på skolen. Jeg er selvfølgelig en av disse elevene, som ikke har noe imot å bare slappe av og se på en film istedenfor å faktisk gjøre noe på skolen. Dette er jo i likhet med mange andre elever på skolene rundt om i landet. Ganske rart egentlig. Med tanke på at vi alle har valgt å gå på skolen frivillig, men likevel ikke gir en tiendel av innsatsen som vi kan gi hvis vi vil. Men poenget er vel at ungdommen idag ikke bryr seg like mye. Det er så mye som foregår i livet deres at skolen er heftig nedprioritert. Vel jeg for min del skal nå prøve å heve innsatsen min en anelse så jeg faktisk får i nærheten av de karakterene jeg kunne fått hvis jeg ga alt jeg kunne. It's a good life, unless you just sleep all the time. Then it's just better :D

Skolen

En ny mandag og jeg sitter her og prøver å customize bloggen og nettbyprofilen slik at jeg får litt musikk inn her. Failure sålangt, men forhåpentligvis så går det bedre etterhvert.

Watching time go by

Sitting here wondering what i'm supposed to do with my time. In this place there's nothing to utilise your time with. Not many to share your problems with. Or your joyfull moments alike. So because of that we are forced to recognize that you have to endure a good deal of life alone. Still most of us will always have someone, anyone, that will be there when we need them. But they might not be the ones we want to be there for us. Which makes things even harder. So sometimes we just have to appreciate those who want to be there for you. And forget those that don't. It's always hard when you feel alone, but no one is alone forever. As long as they try not to be.

Changes

Changes..there's always changes. Question is if the changes makes things better, of worse. You don't know until they've happened. And when they've happened it's hard to make things to back to how they were. So as you know, there's always a choice. You can embrace the changes. And try to make the best out of them. Or you can oppose them. Try to gain control of your life and make things the way you want them to be. But the thing is, you don't have control. And neither have I. No one has. You can do everything in your power to make things the way you want them, but there will always be something you haven't foreseen. Some detail you've missed. Those things leads to changes. Changes you might not want, but still ultimately have to accept. No matter what those changes are. But the things is though, that those things will change to. And if the changes doesn't go your way, you can always have hope that things will change for the better another day.
We all look for the same thing in life. No matter who, where or what you're looking for, the thing we all are after is happiness. Which meens that the purpose for all our lives, at least the way I see it. Is the pursuit of happiness. It's what we all crave, and what we all are looking for. Just a simple thing as happiness. We all have different ways to pursue happiness. Different things that we believe will make us happy.
The sad thing is that most of us rarely finds the ultimate happiness. If there is such a thing. But still, there are small rays of light in the darkness that we all can cling to. There's always something to think about, to deam about, that can make you happy. You just have to keep that hope close to your heart. And never let anyone ruin it. Don't let anyone break you down. Because if you give up your hope for happiness, then I won't take long before you give up your life. And trust me, I know, that's really not a good thing. I myself have done that mistake. It teared me down, and nearly cost me my life. A life which I now believe will be worth living. For I have the hope that I will find happiness again. I don't know where yet, but I have faith in it. And I hope all of you that read this will too. If you have to live through each day struggling, then just believe in what i say. That there will be better times. You just have to hold on. And if you ever need someone. I promise that I will be there. Always.

The pursuit of happiness